


The Longest Note

by HetaliaCrazy12



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Depression, Genji Shimada has a Vagina, Human Genji Shimada, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, McGenji - Freeform, Suicide mentions, Trans Genji Shimada, Trans Male Character, Young Jesse McCree
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-07-10 10:57:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15947948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HetaliaCrazy12/pseuds/HetaliaCrazy12
Summary: "Something good about myself that I did not mention is my tattoo. A thorned rose with its own dripping blood...I imagine that's how roses cry; tears of their own blood because everything pretty has to end..."





	1. Chapter One

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_I need help_


	2. Chapter Two

     

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     Jesse's fingers were gentle as they knead into his scalp green dye sure to come out smooth and clean with the added sensation of hot water rushing through. He watched followed by a contented sigh as all the dye collected around his feet and slowly drained into the holes beneath him; a fresh start. It was time for a new color, though it had seemed the larger male was enjoying his boyfriend's non-tainted version of sleek black strands, his nose buried in what was now clean and smelled of some sort of fruit. According to the bottle, "Wild Berry". Genji's hair was perfect as is, but Jesse had no quarrel with the color changing as long as the other understood its natural perfection.

     "Yer hair smells so good," Jesse had hummed as the younger stepped over the ledge of the tub and wrapped a towel around his head to dry. "...are ya gonna dye it again?" 

     Genji turned around on him and placed two hands gently against his chest. He let his head fall against the broad shoulder provided; always there for him. Shouldn't he feel wanted; to be needed by someone. "Do you think I should?" he replied with bold arms around Jesse's back; confident because someone loves him. Someone thinks he is important and perfect. He dragged gentle nails down and released a sigh of content. 

     Jesse kissed the top of his head and lead him out the bathroom door with a gentle hold to the other's waist, towards the bed. "I think yer hair looks nice like this," was his only response, and he relished in how Genji lifted his head to press against his neck. He landed a soft kiss on the smaller cheek and took advantage; he let the scent of citrus fill his nostrils and mind, let it take him by surprise and grant him a warmth he had never grown used to. Neither of them had, that's why they had each other. 

     "So, it's been decided. I will not dye my perfect hair-- for you." Those last words were louder in Jesse's ear than the other. His opinion had an impact on Genji. An impact large enough to change his mind or make a decision. For a moment, Jesse wondered if he should have let Genji decide. It was his choice, afterall, and either way he'd love him. Genji's hair did not affect his love in the slightest. 

     Jesse chuckled, short but hearty and pulled the other under the covers with him. He allowed Genji's small head to fall against his sturdy chest. "Everythin' about ya is perfect, honey bun, not jus' yer hair." 

     Genji chuckled and gave Jesse's cheek a gentle pat with soft eyes. It seemed Jess had said the right thing. His words seemed to have crossed Genji's mind. "Goodnight, Macaroni," he let his eyes slip shut, cheek comfortably pressed against Jesse's right pec. Jesse felt as little hands curled over his stomach and pressed his nose in the freshly washed hair, one hand holding his arm, the other neatly placed against his waist. 

     "Sweet dreams, darlin'." These moments made Jesse happiest; when Genji was pressed against him and knew that there is no harm in the world that could tear them apart. Even if their relationship would not last outside of Genji's finishing years, Jesse and him both felt comfortable and safe in each other's arms. Genji's breath against his chest proved the life so fragile; the life the other so desperately wished to end, but bravely continued to fight because he knew there was someone on this earth that would miss him. Jesse could feel his nightmares and pulled him closer when needed so Genji could feel he was still there and would never leave.


	3. Chapter Three

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Normally, Genji enjoyed a nice bowl of steaming ramen, or a plate of sushi and rice but on this day, he was happily enjoying two piping hot burritos from Taco Bell, and a bag of chips. He was pleasantly satisfied with the result as the young man bit a chunk from the top and sour cream and beef oozed into the wrapper. His friend snickered at him for the way he ate, but he only shot a glare in the American’s direction no interest in his thoughts.   


The time he spent with Jesse was fulfilling. Without anyone else who really wanted to hang out with him, the Japanese grew rather lonely. Jesse had always been there when he needed. With a soft grunt, the small man pressed his back into Jesse's chest and finished his first burrito before moving on to the second. A surprised hum left him when large arms snuck around and squeezed him just a bit more securely. "I know ya don't wanna, but yer grades are low, and yer behind on some work at school..." Jesse hated to be the deliverer of bad news, but Genji was his friend, and he cared deeply for his future. 

  
"I was thinking of dropping out, actually." It was the way he said it; so nonchalauntly like it was a normal thing to completely drop his chance at a proper education.    


Jesse chuckled nervously and stood to throw away the trash. "What do ya mean?" Maybe he was hearing the other wrong. He knew Genji, and if it’s the only thing he knew about him it was how the other cared deeply about his education. His mother’s death may have slowed him down, but Genji promised him he’d still try.    


As soon as Jesse returned, Genji had his hand curled into the other’s waist and was tugging him back to his seat. He pushed his way into Jesse’s lap for comfort as he spoke, “It’s not easy, and I have enough stress as is. I don’t think I can continue with all this work… I’ve missed so much. I’ve missed too much…” 

 

The other man had to maul on that for a while, Genji had tilted his head back when he didn’t respond right away. Jesse could see where Genji was coming from; he lost his mother, his brother and father were ever punishing more than they usually were, and he received less attention than he was used to. It is disheartening, really. How could his own family neglect him in such a dire time of need?    


"...Jesse?" Jesse was dragged from his thoughts when it became apparent there were dark chocolate eyes staring into his own, noses almost touching. The younger appeared concerned, having reached his hand up to cup Jesse's cheek. “,did you hear me?”    


The larger was blushing heavily now because for this position to be possible, Genji had managed to turn himself around with both knees pressed into his thighs. This close proximity brought a pink flush to his cheeks and unwanted heat further down. Then was not the time, nor was it the place. 

"...helloooo?" The Asian male had begun to wave his hand in the other's face, his fingers snapped close to his face for his attention. Jesse snapped back with a short hum.    


The confusion was evident on Genji’s face, his once relaxed expression twisted. "I'm sorry, were your thoughts that important?" he held the slightest hint of a pout on his lips, the loss of attention having upset him. “I-... did you even hear me?”   


"You shouldn't drop out," Jesse clarified his thoughts. "you'll regret that decision later. I know it’s tough an’ all now, but it’ll get better. I’m here for you if ya ever need, and I can’t imagine losin’ someone so close to me, but I’ve been where ya are, in a way. My momma left me on the doorstep of a gang that didn’t care none ‘bout my education or live. He used me for his illegal activities and then he did what my mom did and left me on the doorstep of another home, this one bein’ foster. It was tough to comprehend, but eventually I came to realize my education is more important than what anyone else tried to say. I promised that if I did anythin’, it was to get my diploma.”    


Genji blinked at him, silent before he turned back around to gather the rest of his 

trash. "I-I… that’s not fair. You can’t just bring up your life and compare it to mine like it’s the same. You never had a mom to grow up with, and I did. You don’t know what it is like to lose someone you grew with… you only know what it’s like to be alone. But me, I… I have never been alone before. Everything I am learning in school has been taught to me already, school is simply a charade for the public anymore… I don’t see why I should waste my time there anymore than I already have.. All it has ever done is cause me stress.” 

 

"Smokin’ and fuckin’ everything ya see is not stressful? It ain’t a waste of time?" he had not meant for it to come out that way, but Genji always had shit handed to him; everything was served on a diamond platter and at the one sign of failure he gave up. How did he think Jesse felt? His whole life he grew up in foster care and never once did he smoke or drink himself to alcohol poisoning. He got over it like normal people did, through talking to others, not contracting diseases and killing himself with drugs and alcohol.    
  


The effect of his words could never be seen on his friend's blank face, but his actions sure spoke louder. He found himself reaching to grasp the fleeing male, and he curled his fingers into the soft flesh of his hips to keep him close. 'Don't go,' was just a whisper off his tongue, but the words unspoken were loud in Genji's ear causing the young man to unravel in his arms and fall limp. How long had it been since someone held him like this? He couldn't remember the last time another person pressed their lips against his own and genuinely felt something special.   


He did not remember feeling obligated to kiss back. It had been so long ago, and the one person he shared such close relations with ended up hurting him. This time, he would not let someone he cared so deeply for hurt him in the same way. He would not give Jesse the chance to feel like he needed to force himself upon him because he would give it to him. Anything Jesse wanted, he would give him. 


	4. Chapter Four

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"Breathe," his dark hand pressed into the offered porcelain one, and his fingers pressed gently against the palm to soothe his nervous shaking. "...the worst is almost over, darlin', I promise." With those words, he felt a squeeze on his massive hand just light enough to notice. Chocolate eyes scanned over his friend's semi-relaxed form.    


In just a few more minutes, his hand was released, and the tattoo artist begun to wipe down some edges until the freshly buzzed art was clean. Even before the green haired eccentric was speaking, loyal friend Jesse McCree (Macaroni, as the other called him) had already stretched across his body for the decorated smartphone. His thumb slid across the bottom to pull up the camera. He lined each focal point in the grids as best he could before the photo was taken.    


Immediately, Genji began to reach foreword and snatched his phone from the other's hands, lopsided grin enough to say he loved it. It is exactly how he imagined; a black and white artwork of a rose. The only thing in color was the blood that dripped off the petals and dipped down below his underwear line.    
  


Jesse peered over his shoulder and allowed his eyes to wander. Genji’s pale flesh appeared flawless under the bright red stamp. It brought a soft red to his cheeks when he realized he was staring a little too long, and Genji noticed as well. The other reached a hand up to flick Jesse’s cheek playfully. “I’m hungry,” he mumbled.

 

Without a second thought, Jesse helped Genji to sit up and dress his exposed torso. Once he returned home, Genji would want to spend hours staring at his new tattoo in the mirror. 


	5. Chapter Five

 

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Genji inhaled the intoxicating smoke through his nostrils and let it fill his brain with its cancerous fumes.A soft sigh followed, escaping from his slightly parted lips to release more of the trapped vapers. It curled around his and the other's face and filled Elijah’s nose with the sweet scent of his lover.    
  
Lithe arms tangled their way around the large body offered before him as stronger ones hooked around his waist and tugged him closer. To keep from falling, his legs wrapped tight around the other's hips as those little arms came to hold over a thick neck. Soft words escaped him and filled Elijah’s mind with lust-induced ideas. They elicited a sharp reaction; a bite to Genji's tender and sweet tasting neck. The smaller followed with kisses of his own directed at Elijah’s surprisingly small lips. His mouth closed over the other's and they both battled for control. Both wanted to taste each other like a never ending fight, but neither would win.    
  
After a searing part, Genji’s lips glistened with wet. A long string of saliva was the only evidence of passionate sharing. "I should get back-" the words barely had a chance to slip from the Japanese male's mouth as Elijah yanked him higher on his waist. 

 

"You aren’t going anywhere," Genji heard the rumble before they were once more sharing DNA. Tongues slid along one another while hands fumbled with articles of clothing.   
  
Genji parted again. That time, his cheeks were tinted a soft pink, nearly breathless. His hand continued control by holding Elijah away despite their closeness by the tight grip to his thighs. They couldn't continue- he had to return home. "As much as I would love to skip, I must be going, baby," Genji left a lingering kiss to his friend's lips. "maybe you could visit me tonight?"   
  
The disappointment could be seen crossing Elijah’s face if only briefly before being replaced with desire. "You don't want to go, baby, and I don’t want you to either," he chewed on the nape of Genji’s neck as his arousal made itself known by pressing into the slot of the smaller’s thighs just against his warm heat. "...and you need me," his husky voice reminded.   
  
Genji did not seem deterred by the words or actions and instead jumped from the larger's arms only to be dragged back to his chest and peppered in aggressive kisses. He grinned up at the other and tilted his head back for further treatment. "I couldn't be late," he tried to reason though was losing the battle with himself.   
  
In the end, Elijah has his arms hooked around the small of his back to keep Genji from escaping even if he wanted to. Their bodies clashed together with the larger more frantic than the smaller. It seemed as if the younger's tears did not phase him, nor did his soft pleas of relief. Genji dragged soft nails down his boyfriend’s back leaving streaks of red as the flesh is punctured. He pressed wet lips against a well-tanned cheek and whispered for a final plea as his body rocked against the wall.  
  


"Please," but it went unheard. “...we can’t,” Genji whispered out before a hand pressed over his mouth. The other pushed against his abdomen to keep him pinned to the wall.

 

Genji did love Elijah, but he did not want this. They had never been intimate before, and Genji was a virgin; he had been a virgin. 


	6. Chapter Six

 

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"Hey, Gen-" his voice was cut short by the heavy breathing on the other line. It was clear Genji was trying to control it, he could tell between the rugged exhale and shaky inhale. The American man gave his Japanese boyfriend the time to catch his breath properly before continuing. "how's yer schedule tonight?"    


The short and sweet reply he received from Genji was to be taken with a grain of salt; he had never been one to elaborate. "Why?" the other man sat on the edge of his bed, mattress squealing which elicited a groan from his lips. The hair on his forehead stuck there with sweat, eyebrows knitted together in curiosity as Jesse's drawl came through the receiving end of his phone, bringing a soft red to his cheeks.    


Jesse chuckled, strapping one boot to his leg. "thought we could hang, do I need anymore explanation?"    


"No, Anata," Genji grinned, letting out a final puff as he caught his breath. "let me get a shower first, and I'll meet you there?" Genji had planned on sending over a picture, but since they were hanging out, there was no need. He could hear Jesse sigh. "what is wrong, Macaroni?"    


Jesse had finished placing his hat on his head and was now checking himself out in the mirror. He looked good. "Ain't nothin', kitten. Why don't ya wear somethin' nice tonight?" he grabbed a bag from his dresser and started for the door. "we meetin' at the usual?"    


Genji grinned on the other line, turning the shower head on and stepping in. The phone was left on the ledge. "Alright, yes," he hummed. "I'm in the shower, okay? I'll be there."    


Jesse blushed, stepping in his truck. "Hey-- before ya go?" he heard Genji pause. "Send me a pic?"    


"Check your messages," Genji was smirking. He loved the soft gasp coming from Jesse as he peeked at the screen. "No funny business before I see you," Genji hummed. "I wanna do it alll myself."    


Jesse grunted but hummed. "Bye."    
  


"Bye~"    
  


...   


Genji smirked as he placed a career high on the machine, turning to face Jesse, hand outstretched in a 'pay up' motion. As Jesse reached into his back pocket, wondering why he made bets with his boyfriend, Genji snagged him by his chest and pulled him in for a soft kiss. "No-" he hummed. "I want food."    
  


A hum escaped the larger man who moved to press his lips against his darling's jaw line. "Too bad, ya gotta pick something else," the blink he got from Genji was a warning to fix his response, and right on cue, Jesse squeezed his waist and nuzzled his cheek. "Cuz' I already planned on takin' ya out tonight."    
  


Genji raised a quizzical brow, lips formed in an 'o' before he spoke. "Where?"    


"The sushi shop," Jesse grinned as if he picked the best place ever, but Genji's huff said otherwise.    


He patted Jesse's chest and gave him soft puppy eyes as he spoke, "Can we go to the other place? They have the best sushi, and I deserve the best sushi, don't I?"    


Jesse gave him a smile, somewhat regretting making a bet with the other, but he only agreed and kissed on his neck. "You deserve the best of everything," he hummed.    


Genji was happy. He got free food anr a great boyfriend. Jesse would be rewarded nicely; he decided to forget about the call that pulled him from enjoying his high earlier because this was all worth it.    
○ ○ ○    


He pressed the other's back against the perfectly pressed bedsheets, lips forever connected to his neck and marking wherever they traveled. The soft pants from Genji were only adding fuel to the fire, a growl leaving him as he nipped the flesh below his ear, gaining a gasp from the other.    


Genji hooked both legs around Jesse's hips, arms wrapped securely around his boyfriend's neck to keep him close. He pressed his own lips to Jesse's exposed neck as his own was marked, breathing soft against his neck when it was provided. "No-" he grunted when the other's hands wandered to his shorts, the zipper fondled with. "not here..."    


Jesse seemed disappointed, but he lifted him back in his arms and caught his lips, walking him over to the wall beside the door. "Hmn... where?"    


"Out...nmmh..." Genji pressed against his lips, sighing in content as Jesse pushed through the door and made his way down the stairs. "...here," Jesse had bumped against a table, wide enough to fit only one of them. "flip. On the bottom." Genji pushed Jesse in a seated position in the middle of the table and seated himself in his lap. "...like this."    


There were no complaints from Jesse, only gasps and moans as his world was rocked time and time again, Genji's hips relentless as they smacked against his own.    
He had grabbed Genji's back, content with where he was as he exploded with passion for him, closing his mouth over his chest and leaving a dark hickey to stay for a long while. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for not updating for a few days! I have been very busy with work, so today I decided to give you three. I hope you forgive me! Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for not placing an update! I have posted the final two chapters, and I hope everyone has enjoyed this story. Please leave comments on what you think, it helps me grow as a writer :)

The door opens just as quietly as it shuts; a soft *click* sounds in the foyer and carries through the expansive room. It bounces off walls until there is no more to bounce off of and then is lost in the air, no longer.

  
He drops his bag to the middle of the wooden floor, eliciting a *thunk* much louder than the soft *click* just moments before. Then, he makes his way up the spiral stairs; his hand slides up the well polished and spotless banister as he drags his feet; left step, right step, left step, right step...

  
This process continues until he is standing at the top, slightly out of breath; It had been a while since he last had a good cardio workout. He huffs out a final, breathless puff and reaches foreword. The handle seems too far from his grasp, like he was reaching for an eternity.

  
His hand grasps the polished silver knob. It had been cleaned recently, most likely just before he stepped through his family homes' gates. Someone else -someone unrecognizable- stares back through the stainless reflection. Caked on the strangers face is makeup smeared from a rough night of thrashing and grinding on a fluorescent floor; black smudged under his eye, worn from more than one rough hand, and under his jawline, a deep, red bruise, created from too harsh grips.   
This was a man he knew not of; a man he once knew. A broken man.

  
His hand twists, the veins showing through too-thin wrists, abused from many nights hunched over his toilet regurgitating the dinner he ate because it was too much, and he felt too sick.

  
As the knob twists, the hinge pulls from its comfortable place inside the wall and revealed a dark abyss of lies, anger and misery. He did not bother to flick on the light; it didn't matter. Instead, the man trudges through and makes a sharp right after exactly twelve steps in. To his right, an even darker abyss just aching for his presence to fill the loneliness that lie inside.

  
Without much thought, his clothed feet hit the tile and resonated through the dark, empty void. A hand dances along the light green paint, groping for the knob that would scare the dark away and fill his eyes with a bright enough to locate the shower.

  
His eyes took a moment to focus and then his feet were moving again, sliding along the floor as they make their way to the pristine shower that calls for his attention. A lonesome chair in the middle and for a moment, his heart is thudding in his chest, racing to stir adrenaline that would force his feet to turn and head to the bag in the middle of the floor, down the long spiral stairs; it aches for him to fish the buzzing phone and answer the worried caller because it was the third time with no answer and that was unlike him.

  
It was not enough to stop him because then the chair was speaking, light seeming to illuminate it further as the door opens. Genji stepped inside. He did not bother to strip his clothes and simply turns the knob on the opposite wall.

  
It sprays in twelve different directions; hits every angle and leaves no crevice untouched. The seat was slippery within seconds, but it didn't seem to phase him; his hand stretches above his head, for the blade perched on its pedestal. The wet handle slides between his fingers in familiarity, a lonesome smile tugging at his lips.   
Then, he kicks his shoes onto the drenched, porcelain floor for a faded memory and places a bare foot on the wooden stool. With a simple push, both feet were safely put; by this point, his knuckles turned white from the tight grip on the blade.

  
Genji turns his attention briefly to the open bathroom door. The bedroom outside was still dark, but it wouldn't be long until it was chased away by a familiar southern drawl that would fill his ears. 

  
With one, heavy inhale, the blade was pressed to his wrists, angled vertically. It slides down until the veins bulge and muscles show through; just a precaution because the rope did not seem too sturdy. Then, he glances up and in a swift moment slips into his necklace that fit so perfectly, his feet slipping from the wet stool and dangling centimeters from the porcelain floor.

  
There was no sound, no indication that he was in pain. Contrary to popular belief, he is elated; happy to be gone. There would be no burden for Jesse to carry, nor would his father have to worry about his dwindling progression in the family crime lore.

  
He could see her beautiful face, decorated lightly with accessories that accentuated her already flawless features; she smiles at him and her dainty fingers reach foreword to pull her son into a warm grasp.

 

He smiles for the first time in two years; a genuine smile.

  
For a moment, the young and beaten man felt whole and content. There was no one else around to judge or mistreat him; it was just him and his mother.

Just as quickly as it came, it was gone; her once beautiful image distorted until nothing but a vast white emptiness fills his vision. Is this what it felt like to die an agonizingly lonely death? There is no heaven, nor is there a hell. It was just emptiness; he feels more lonely than when he lived. Here in this empty white, he was cold, scared and alone. Where had his mother gone?

  
It is completely silent and then extremely loud seemingly at the same time. Where is this noise coming from? He tries to move his hands to his ears; it is too loud! Each time, nothing happens. When he looks down at himself, he sees nothing. His body- where had it gone?   
The voice was unrecognizable; who is speaking so loudly? More than one person... no, two people. Two men. It is clear the difference in tone. One was deeper than the other and smooth, though the other was gruff, like he had been smoking for years. He sounds angry, even when the words did not match his tone. It is a natural voice... or purposeful at the very least.

  
Two men, both speaking a different language. Just before he had a chance to understand either, both voices stop. Then, silence. It surrounds him.  
Genji begins to panic and glance around himself; it is still bright and empty. The loud voices are gone and he realizes now that he misses them. They were the only proof that he was... here, existing. With them gone, how could he believe this empty place was not his death? Perhaps Heaven is real, but everyone has been perceiving it wrong. When you die, you do not go to a bright world filled with love and perfection. You go here; no where.

  
Is this purgatory? Is someone on Earth praying him into Heaven right now? Does anyone know he is dead? Do they know he was battling alone in his head for two years and decided one day it was too much?

  
Or do they know? Did they find him and laugh? Call him a coward? *He took the easy way out* Was it easy? For months he had been thinking on this very day. The day he would end it all; and he fought with himself. It had become a daily contemplation whether or not he could do it because in truth he was scared.  
Could he, would he, should he do it? And if so, how? Should it be painful, as a reminder that he was, in fact, running away from his issues, or painless because he had endured too much pain over the years and the one thing he wanted was to go out easy.

  
Genji was lost in his thoughts and did not hear the voice return; the deep and smooth one. It wasn't until he hears his name that he starts to pay attention. How did this person know his name, and who is it?

  
*God*?

  
His name is repeated and the words following passed through one ear and out the other. He still could not understand the language. It was not Japanese, but it also was not English.

  
Despite not being able to understand him, Genji still heard tone, and the voice sounds... sad, almost sorry. He can hear it breaking and holding back, like the words are becoming more and more difficult to pass through.

  
He feels...not happy. Sadness is not the word to describe it, more like pity. Without knowing who the voice belongs to, or the words that fill his ears, Genji understands this person is grieving. They are wallowing in sorrow because of... him. His name continues to pass through his ears; it easily becomes the only thing this voice is speaking. That and... was he finally understanding? It must be true because now he can hear and it's saying Genji, I'm sorry. 


	8. Chapter Eight

** All documents retrieved **

 

Entry # 1, Note 1 :

 

I need help. That’s what she tells me to write every entry. It does not matter how many days, she said, just that every entry I would say that to myself. I would write it and repeat it to myself in the mirror. Every entry.

 

Note 2 :

 

_I need help._

 

I’m not even sure what I should be writing in these things. She says they will help, that most teenagers and adults going through this enjoyed keeping a diary of their thoughts. Not me. I hate this, but I promised myself… I promised _him_ that I would at least try. For a month.

Entry # 2, Note 1 :

 

_I need help._

 

Every Tuesday and Thursday I visit her. I told her maybe changing our visits would be more helpful because Jesse and I go on dates every Saturday… we used to, until school got in the way.

Today, she told me to repeat my statement and to say one good thing. One good reason. Every time I wrote. She said it is okay to repeat that reason so long as I have a new one each week. It is supposed to be healthy.

 

I said to myself, I love Jesse. He is the reason I even started this stupid thing. Jesse tries so hard to help. He means the world to me… and I know I mean the world to him.

 

Note 2 :

 

_I need help._

 

Today, I thought some self-therapy would be helpful, so I called Jesse over and we washed the dye from my hair. I had a really pretty color picked out; it was a bright pink, but after he cleaned my head, he looked at me.

I  could tell in his eyes that he loves me, and he loves my hair, so I kept it the way it naturally is, black. Honestly, my hair is so dull, but seeing his smile makes it all the more special.

 

Entry # 3, Note 1 :

 

_I need help._

 

I decided to bring something up to Jesse that I had been thinking about for a while. I forgot to add it into an entry.. Oh well…

 

I told him I want to drop out and for a moment, I was scared. What if he leaves me, what if he thinks I am a low life cry baby and finds someone better, someone smarter?

 

Note 2 :

 

_I miss my mother._

 

She always knew what to do. Always.

 

Note 3 :

 

_I need help._

Please, someone help me. School is too hard and these stupid entries are bullshit. I want Jesse. I want my mom.

 

Entry 4, Note 1 :

 

_I need help._

 

Something good about myself that I didn’t mention the previous days is… my tattoo. I went out today with Jesse and he said he’d help me. He was by my side the entire way, and when it was over, I could tell he loves it. I love it, too.

 

It reminds me of my mom. A thorned rose, with its own dripping blood. That’s how roses cry, I imagine. Tears of blood because everything pretty has to end.

 

Note 2 :

 

_I need help._

 

So far, all these have done is make me realize why I want to kill myself even more. She made me read them outloud! I know it was just her and I but still… they were so personal…

 

She gave me some medication to take. Said I may feel better. How can a simple pill change my mind?

 

Entry 5, Note 1 :

 

_I need help._

 

I remember something from a long time ago. His name is Elijah. Where he is now, I don’t know, and I don’t care but something… something about Jesse made me think of him.

 

Jesse is not Elijah, and I know this but… he had me trapped. That man pushed me hard against the brick wall of my favorite arcade and he entered me without permission. Without warning. He took something from me I can never get back and now it has ruined all chances of me sharing it with Jesse. Jesse wanted to take my first and I couldn’t give that to him. I can never satisfy him because all I keep thinking of are his hands.

 

I screamed until my throat grew sore and I cried until the tears evaporated under the hot sun reflecting off the clean windows. He never once let me go. Not until I was a bleeding, sobbing mess. Not until I was dripping pink.

 

Elijah hurt me, and I hate to use it as an excuse, but every kiss Jesse gives, I taste him. And so I never let him take me.

 

Entry 6, Note 1 :

 

_I need serious help._

 

It has almost been a month! Finally.

 

Jesse called me this morning unexpectedly and honestly, it filled me with so much warmth. I was in the heat of the moment, so close to my edge when the phone buzzed. His voice sent so many chills down my spine, but I never finished. I met him at my favorite arcade and I beat him on my favorite game, so he took me for sushi. Jesse is so good to me. He is so good for me.

 

Jesse is the only reason I want to live.

 

Note 2 :

 

_I really need help._

 

When we came home, he treated me even better. He lifted me at the front door and pressed his lips to my neck. All the way to my room he kept me close, reassured me we did not have to but fuck was I horny! I hadn’t cum earlier that day and Jesse made it worse with that sexy voice and soft touch.

 

He took me, and I let him. On the kitchen table. It was so exotic! I loved every moment of it.

 

He is the only reason I live.

 

Entry 7, Note 1 :

 

Today is my final day of these damn notes.

 

Let me just say, I really did try. I read through all of them, you’d be proud. I told my doctor everything and I took my pills but they just don’t help. Every night, I cry. I see my future in black and then I see blood. I see my mom and she isn’t here by my side. She wants me to join her.

These entries have become my note. I know it is pretty cliche to write a suicide note, but Jesse, you fucking deserve them. You gave me the best last night of my life, I could have never had any better. And it was all unplanned. A Friday!

Jesse, I love you, so so much. I want you to know it is not your fault. I could not be saved. You need to know how hard it was on me to keep going, even for you. I know you will be sad, but eventually, you’ll get over me. I left a spray of my perfume on this last note. Keep it.

I am hanging myself. I will slit my wrists so there is no question, if the noose doesn’t do it, then the blood will.

Please please don’t hurt yourself. You have so much to live for. I really did try, but I could not receive the help I needed. It sounds selfish, I know, and don’t think it is okay that you can do it, too. I am being so so stupid right now, which is why I need to end this note quick before I change my mind.

 

_I need help._

 

Note 2 :

 

There was once a time when I was genuinely happy; when my personality was more charming than my face, and the people in my bed could be counted on one hand. I smoke more than I don't; more times than my heart beats in a minute. 

My hospital bill sits on a total of 4.23 grand from the amount of times I've been wheeled in on a gurney to have my stomach flushed of a pill overdose. It's not like I can't afford it... I can't, but my father can. I know he can, but he's simply too busy crooning over his eldest and most favored son to care. It's easier, though. At least I can slip his credit from his wallet whenever I go out to drink. 

Before, I had more flesh on my back than ink. Now, a prominent thorned rose stretches across my lower, outlining my bikini line. Three piercings reside on my body: Nose, belly button, and the third... I believe that knowledge will make you flush. 

I am a broken man. That is what many people believe, at least. There is no way someone so innocent and happy could become dark and depressed so suddenly. I used to believe so, anyway, until my mom died and I did just that. No matter what you conclude about me, I’m fucked.

My mom was beautiful. She had the warmest honey eyes I had ever seen, and her lustrous ebony strands were soft against my face when she hugged me. The perfume she wore was a strong, yet not overpowering scent that lulled me to sleep each time she would tuck me in bed. It was her favorite from the Chanel brand and mine, too. Sometimes, I would slip into her room and spray just a little bit on my wrist; it kept me smelling fresh all day. Now, I wear it simply to remember her presence. 

Then, my dad took and placed it behind a locked, glass pane. It did not stop me from sneaking through. That's what I was trained to do, after all. He caught me one night, and the next morning there was my own bottle on my dresser. I never touched it; it did not have the same aroma as my mother's, despite them both being the same scent. For a while, I was content with breaking behind that glass wall. He stopped chasing me. 

My grade point average went from a 4.5 to a 2.7 in a matter of one semester. If that had been last year, I believe I would have shot myself -to which I did attempt; I failed -, but this year, I just don't give a single fuck any longer. My grades, my life; it's all just... whatever.  
  


I’m going to kill myself, Jesse. I’ve gone out of control, I can’t stop myself. I called you, I left you a message. I told you the exact time so you could get here early and stop me. Please… don’t let me die.

 

I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this wonderful piece of art! I have tried very hard and it is completed but I think I will post one chapter a day. Maybe. I dunno, we'll see. Maybe more. 
> 
> Anyway, Kuddo's and Kuddos to you for reading my story and leaving Kuddos! I love you all!


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